How to Encourage ‘Shy’ Children to Talk?
Some people are naturally confident while others take a while to develop confidence. Confidence itself is a skill, as is the ability to speak up for oneself. ‘Shy’ children often find it hard to ask for help, especially when they’re having difficulty with something. Here are some ways that you, as a parent, can encourage your child to speak up for themselves, socialise and (hopefully) enjoy communicating with others.
- Understand your child’s shyness
Try noticing the environments that your child feels most calm and confident and the environments that precipitate their shyness. This can help to determine when to encourage your child to feel safe to talk and when to stand back and let them be them. In addition, not all children are shy in the same way. Knowing what’s behind their shyness, or a reason for their shyness, can help you navigate how and when you encourage them to speak up. - Ask for your child’s opinion
Often, ‘shy’ children will disengage from large family conversations or remove themselves from the situation. Show your ‘shy’ child that you value what they have to say by asking for their opinion during a conversation. Don’t start at a large family gathering. Rather, build this into the conversation around your dinner table and slowly build up to calling on them to speak when the crowd is larger. Another tip: ask for their opinion or thoughts about something you know they have an answer to. Success builds confidence! - Practice
When your child is feeling safe and calm with you, bring up the fact that you know they have trouble asking for the things they need at school and that you’re happy to help them practice this. Often children know what they want to say but when the time comes, the stress of the moment gets in the way. Work together to come up with a range of situations they might find themselves in and then come up with what your child could say in that moment. You might find that your child is able to come up with exactly the right things to say. An example might be raising their hand in class to tell the teacher they don’t understand or asking a peer to stop doing something that is bothering them. Start simple and work up from there. - Avoid the ‘shy’ label
When kids are labelled as anything; good, naughty , shy or confident, they’re likely to live up to this label. Try to avoid using the word ‘shy’ when they refuse to greet their great aunt who has come to visit. There are a range of ways to handle the situation without this label. You can say nothing at all or you can explain to great aunt Di that they aren’t in a talkative mood today. - Share your own experience
Find the right moment to share about how you were a ‘shy’ kid to, even if it is a bit of a white lie. Share about the coping strategies you used to overcome this shyness, like practicing with familiar people first. Bonus points if you also explain how wonderful you felt when you finally spoke up for yourself and advocated for yourself. Tip: use examples from your own life that your child can relate to. - Encourage and praise their outgoing behaviour
There will be times when your child isn’t shy and feels extra confident to talk and talk and talk. Watch out for these moments as these precious times are the ones to praise. Talk about how impressed you were when they struck up conversation and were kind to a new friend at the playground, and encourage them to keep it up. - Set goals
Aim for small incremental steps that will eventually lead to a full blown conversation. Your child doesn’t need to know about all the goals you have, especially if they’re young. You could start by setting an achievable goal together, to say “hello” to the receptionist at the doctor’s office or the child who sits next to them in class. Aim for small changes in behaviour first and gradually build up from there.
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